Col. Blake: Hawkeye Pierce? I got a twix from headquarters about you...says you stole a jeep.
Hawkeye: No sir, no, I didn't steal it. No, it's right outside.

[Trapper is guest of honor at a party celebrating his appointment as Chief Surgeon.]
Trapper John: ...No! No booze! Sex! I want sex! [notices Hot-Lips across the mess tent] That one! The sultry bitch with the fire in her eyes! Bring her to me! Take her clothes off and bring her to me!

[Col. Blake is admonishing Trapper for hitting Frank Burns]
Col. Blake: What the hell's the matter with you ?
Trapper: I don't know, I must of lost my punch. I never expected the son-of-a-bitch to get up.

[Frank Burns has just been sent away in a straitjacket after attacking Hawkeye.]
Duke: Colonel, fair's fair...if I punch Hawkeye and nail Hot-Lips, can I go home too?

Hot-Lips:This isn't a hospital! It's an insane asylum! And it's your fault!

Gen. Hamilton: Henry, I have some reports here from your Major O'Houlihan that I frankly find hard to believe.
Henry Blake: Well, don't believe them then, General. Good-bye. [hangs up]

[Hawkeye and Duke drive away, having received their traveling orders]
Col. Blake: Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
Radar: No sir, that's the one he came in.